Forum Post: Dear Homeland Security, FBI or any other dun-dun-dun group not mentioned
Posted 12 years ago on Jan. 12, 2012, 5:32 p.m. EST by GirlFriday
(17435)
This content is user submitted and not an official statement
First, I apologize if I left anyone out. Just thought I should say, Hi. Hope you have coffee. Your probably going to need it and I thought I would start with a bad joke. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Big brother is watching you. What book was she reading? I thought it was a good joke personally.
you are a fucking goat.
I'm staring.
bwa hahahaha
what are the odds I'm alone?
bwa hahahaha
bwa hahahaha
bwa hahahaha
That's so true on so many levels
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
dun-dun-dun groups -
haha!
like repelicans!!
lets go fishing!!
we can chum with the dead!!
the ripe and pustulent repelican dead!!
Dude you need some serious mental help or you escaped from the looney farm. Do you have republican nightmares and see republicans around every corner always out to get you or what? Is the root of all the worlds problems caused by republicans according to your psychotic world view? Maybe you need to start taking your Thorazine again? Wait I hear the voices they keep saying Republicans are coming to get me over and over again.
dood . . .
I guess you haven't heard.
I'm special
I'm licensed now, to kill
they said so, passing by
hahaha
bwa HAA ahahaha
Yep.
Son asks the father
"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically"
The father starts thinking and after a while he says
" Go, ask your mother, sister and brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars "
The boy shakes his head, thinks it is a stupid question, but goes anyway and asks the question.
First he asks his mother, who with just after the proper amount of hesitation says "Of course, why not" thinking of all new kitchen, Florida vacation, and all the new clothes she could buy.
So the boy goes to his sister and asks the same question. No hesitation here, the sister says YES right away, dreaming of Brad already and all the goodies she can buy for that million bucks.
So finally the boy goes to his brother with the same question.
At first the brother is kind of startled, but than starts thinking. A million bucks is a lot of money, new state of the art computer, new digital camera, maybe even a Ferrari. So finally he says yes as well.
The boy goes back to his father and tells him that all the three said yes to the proposal.
The father says; " you see son, here is the difference between potentially and realistically.
Potentially we are sitting on three million dollars. realistically we are living with three hookers.
Good morning.
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.