Forum Post: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb? And what did the psychiatrist, say to the man wrapped in glad wrap? -Edit- OMG theres some funny sh!t in here....
Posted 12 years ago on Dec. 22, 2011, 5:16 a.m. EST by blazefire
(947)
This content is user submitted and not an official statement
It only takes one social worker to change a lightbulb, but the lightbulb, must want to change.
The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts!"
I thought a thread of humor, could certainly not go astray. Leave a joke and have a chuckle.....
According to the story, after every Qantas Airlines flight (other airlines, and military sources are suggested instead also) the pilots complete a a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Qantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.
(G = The problem logged by the pilot.) (R = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
G. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. R.Almost replaced left inside main tire.
G. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. R.Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
G. Something loose in cockpit. R. Something tightened in cockpit.
G. Dead bugs on windshield. R. Live bugs on back-order.
G. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. R. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
G. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. R. Evidence removed.
G. DME volume unbelievably loud. R. DME volume set to more believable level.
G. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. R. That's what they're there for.
G. IFF inoperative. R. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
G. Suspected crack in windshield. R. Suspect you're right.
G. Number 3 engine missing. R. Engine found on right wing after brief search.
G. Aircraft handles funny. R. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
G. Target radar hums. R. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
G. Mouse in cockpit. R. Cat installed.
G. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. R. Took hammer away from midget.
F*ck that was funny!!! Ahahahaha.....!!!
That was one of my top all time favorites, this is probably right up there.
This story is an 'alleged' transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian maritime contact off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship; I say again divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse; your call.
Thanx heaps for all those JadedCitizen......HAhahahahahaha!!!!!
No problem, now let's discuss that $25 hidden fee...
Sure! I'll PM you my ACC details for you to wire it here! Heehehehe
My cat just fell off the bed. You're wit must've knocked her off her feet.
Pffft.....pussy.....
Boing! .....dick......
Penis + Potato = Dictator
This preoccupation with vegetables can't be healthy.
Actually.......
Sorry, I was thinking like congress for a moment, tomato sauce on pizzas counts as a vegetable
Ahhhh......you know what you call 1000 politicians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
There went Swinky off the bed again.
OMG I nearly wet myself! AHahahahahahahahahahahaha......
I know, right ! - a lighthouse; your call....still gets me that way every time too.
My source is here. Those are the two funniest, imo. The lipstick story is pretty good.
http://www.businessballs.com/stories.htm
Theres some good stuff there for sure...
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Sorry, I'm telepathetic...
...citehtapelet m'I ,yrroS.
I'm a teleparrot.
Thats giving me irreversible damage.....
I know what you mean, the teleparrot thing drove me crackers, or is it I want a cracker? I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from jail?
Police say theres a small medium at large.
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says, "Get the fuck out!"....
But didn't the barman say to the horse : "So, errr ... Why The Long Face ?!" ~{:-)
Sikh, a Muslim, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Jew, a Buddhist and a Hindu go into a pub.
The barman looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
LoL ! Did he ask the Muslim, "Orange Juice ?" or did he say : " Now You Lot ! First Things 1st !! I don't want Any Trouble in here !!!" ;-)
Little Jack horner, sat in his corner
eating his blueberry pie,
he put in his thumb,
and said "F*ck that's hot!"
Good job t'was just his thumb !!!
With 'JC' in The U$A ; U, Oz & me, UK ... I think we've got our Mother Covered (at least in an Anglophone Stylee) on this Xmas Day !!
Happy 2012 to U & http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A102xE-Wnfk and listen out for "1:25 - 1:55" et vebum satis sapienti !
pax,amor et lux ~{;-)
Two men inside a horse costume walk into a bar, and the bartender says in a hoarse voice, "I've heard of Trojan Horses, but this is ridiculous."
[Removed]
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."
Do you think the world would be a cleaner place, if we gave all the blind people brooms?
Yes, but there would also be more mid-air witch collisions.
Blind people can't go skydiving, it scares their dogs.
Why the hell do we abbreviate abbrv.?
Did you know, that if you took all your veins, capppileries and arteries out of your body, and laid them end to end, you'd be dead?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Did you know, that if we took all the veins, capillaries and arteries out of a libertarians body, and laid them end to end, the libertarian would still complain about big government?
hahahahahahaahahahahahahaahhaaa!!!!
A small guy steps into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
The critics of OWS will have a field day with this but what the hell.
On the first day of eviction, my mother said to me. Your wife is a stuck up bitch.
On the second day of eviction, my mother said to me. Two spoiled brats and your wife is a stuck up bitch.
On the third day of eviction, my mother said to me. I'm payin for your two spoiled brats and your wife is a stuck up bitch.
4th day. Get off the couch.
5th day. GO GET A JOB.
6th day. Take out the trash.
7th day. Find grandma's teeth.
8th day. Go take a bath.
9th day. Put down the seat.
Thats as far as I got. I ran out of decent lines.
Marriage: The single greatest cause of divorce.
L0L "Blaze" ! As someone whose been burnt more than once, I lol again !!
Merry Xmas & These 2 ; 4 U : http://documentarystorm.com/inside-job/ & http://www.nakedcapitalism.com/ !!!
Happy 2012 'cobber' ;-)
pax, amor et lux ...
They name cyclones after women, because they come in wet and wild....then take your house and car....Hehehehehehe......lol
And Gratia.
May your dream, be that our dreams become one, and I will dream for yours to come true.
ilol! Man is born of and borne by WOMBan et dux femina facti ~{;-)
Hehehehe.....Marriage is grand.....divorce, a hundred grand.....
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Oh thats terrible because it's true. Keep em coming! I'm pissing myself!
Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later....
Will the planets feel embarrassed after we strip them?
Well, the carrot blushed when it saw the sallad dressing.....
Lol. I surrender. No more vegetable jokes..please!
Lettuce see..... Just one question though.....after we strip the planets, will we see....(OMG it's just so cliche)....uranus!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Wise man say uranus is correctum.
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You should join the traveling comedy show.
thetravelingcomedyshow. There, all joined. Happy.
Was the social worker wearing a kilt?
Yes, with a purple sash, and a green halterneck.....lol!
Bill Gates picks his own punishment Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
So this guy goes to hell, and stan greets him at the gates....he's looking downcast, so satan says, "Hey what's up?", and the guy says, "Well, I'm in hell...", and satan replies "Cheer up, it aint so bad....do you like beer?" And the guy nods suspiciously.....Satan say, "You're gonna love Mondays then, we drink until we drop dead, but that's ok, we're already dead! Do you like to gamble?" The guy nods again and Satan says, "Your gonna love tuesdays then, we all gamble our souls away, hour by the hour, and it doesn't matter cause your already in hell! Are you gay?" The guy shakes his head and satan says, "Oh, you're gonna hate wednesdays..."
It is a good joke, but unless Satan knows assembly language as well as Billy boy, and int9 handler could be invoked to force it by a simple command. There are many hidden tricks that can be performed, the int9 reset could be programmed to a function key like F5 or something. I used to set things like this back in the DOS days... I used to go to Lechmere, Circuit city, etc and make it so if the computers rebooted, they would lock out, ESC key would format the hard drives, or lock the keyboard and show a screen saver. ESC would cause reboot (Int9)..Geece this was back in the Windows 3.1 days...Hopefully it was windows 95 first version or even beta, with no internet access. Perhaps Windows 1.0 (yes there is a Windows 1.0, 2.0 and 3.0 too) Then Billy boy would really get what he deserves ;)
Dear Tech Support:?
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed That the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks, Troubled User.....
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0! Manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck, Tech Support
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A grasshoper walks into a bar, and the barmen says, "Hey, I've got a drink named after you!", The grasshopper looks up and says, "What, Bill?"
lol!
Are we talking incandescent or fluorescent twirly type???? Can it change back from one to other? hehehe
Why not!
Why would they put an 's', in lisp? Or make dyslexia difficult to spell?
Hehehehe
Here look up the meaning of this word:
Hippomonstrosesquipedalianism
hehehehe....
Hey that word is a loop-back to itself! Use the long word and using the long word that is the all in one obscure long word to describe its very use!
hehehehehehe.....
You have to read JadedCitizens posts above....OMG! FUNNY AS!!! AHAHAHAHAHA
3 feet that is some serious lawn mowing.....
read the pilot and the US warship one's......OMG...right up the top....hahahahaha!!!
Did the social worker have $100k in student loans and blame a banker?
Best troll comment ever:
"Alright, I've worked hard my whole life, and no I don't own my house, and yeah, it sux, and the system sux, but do you hear me complaining about it?"
Most social workers that I have been friends with (3 to be exact), end up needing help later on. They realize it was a dead end and end up worse off than the people they help, and realize they don't even make a dent. Most end up on the same meds and programs....Ironic....
It doesn't mix well with student loans. But when an OWSer mixes student loans with an uneconomic major it suddenly becomes a banker's fault.
I never fell for the student loan/financial aid scam....I went to college, but never completed. After I learned that it was a dead end, I decided to work instead. I learned more with experience, and take courses/test out based on what was needed to advance my career ONLY. By the time most graduate, the info they learned is already obsolete in some fields. My employers always said it would not matter if I had a degree or not, I was a thinker, problem solver and demonstrated I had a brain. My pay would not change if I completed. That said a lot to me... That is what they look for, and most that spend all that money and time, never get it - they still fail to think for themselves. Only go to school to get a law degree/medical, and if thats all you really want. The rest is crap, results in perpetual debt and work - the quality of life is never as grand as it is made to be. They are constantly paying off the loans, and not working where they thought they could succeed. Find something you are passionate about and follow that path. Education is not always a deciding factor in employment. I have managed people that held Masters in computer science, engineering, etc. I had more ability to think on my feet, they always came to me when "stuck" many cannot think for themselves despite the "piece of paper"
Watch this video :
It tells the tale
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpZtX32sKVE
The bulb will get changed tomorrow, or as soon as congress get's the Keystone Pipeline routed to bring power to it. Answer: All of them.
But whatever the direction we take, we should be evaluating alternatives and making quality decisions as it sounds like you did. Kids that are fully capable of judging investment against opportunity and debt against risk have no business blaming bankers when things don't work out. It's especially ridiculous when it's something obvious like racking up debt for a soft major like sociology or women's studies. OWSers would do well to consider themselves a little more often and bankers a little less often.
No I agree, people must trust themselves, before trusting the establishment. The establishment, keeping up with joneses mentality, rush to judgment and decisions after the fact are still yours and mine to make. I do not blame the banks for my situation, I gambled when I purchased my home, and will have to cut my losses or I will prevail. It is my decision; and in this learning experience I will never end up here again. I lost time and expense in education, and realized it was not for me, I was not learning anything. I already had a brain. Too many sell themselves out to others making decisions for them. It is still the decision to make is yours, we are free to surrender control and mess up - but denial bust be overcome to prevail.... I do not agree with blaming the banks entirely; I think if the shoe was on other foot of many, they would have resorted to the same, the theft, scams, greed etc. It is a matter of one self, accepting that and moving forward. I blame nobody, I made decisions and knew the risk when buying my home. I will start over, may get lucky and turn things around. I remain faithful and hopeful. These People that point fingers at the banks for their problems, are not right or wrong. The economy was damaged by the banks, and many of us are in that boat. But the banks never targeted them directly. Try to survive, work it out and move forward. Accept reality, and control what parts of it you can...
Blaming no one is the best chance we all have at better lives.
Accepting responsibility for ones actions is the only way to move forward. I do not agree with the bankers, the corruption, the greed; indirectly it may be their fault for crashing the economy and pushing me down, but all I can do is attempt to survive - do my best, and help others see the light...
You say "accepting responsibility for ones actions???" Then why does the OWS goons not exercise that??? here is the link http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2011/11/occupy-la-30-tons-of-debris-left-behind-at-city-hall-tent-city.html
I was speaking from my own personal experience, and I cannot answer your question as you present a valid point....many on here , not this thread in particular group me with that aspect. I do not agree with the banks, as the economy/jobs market/housing market, etc were not my fault. I accept responsibility in such that I took a gamble when buying my home. I lost, and have no choice to muddle through and move on. Protesting and pointing fingers will not help me, I simply will not ever participate in it again until I have enough cash to buy out such a position. I made a lot of money on investment markets, so I lose on the housing one....It is all a game to me, and just a house....They point out valid fact and raise awareness to the corruption. The ones at top drove us off a cliff.
Yes the ones at the top did put us over the edge. I am afraid now that our Country is headed (already think it is happening) over a cliff. I think hard times is coming for a lot of folks. Sad
I think of it, like we are all on the Titanic, they keep scraping icebergs - and denting the hull, they simply haven't pierced the hull yet. Its unsinkable they say, and keep trying. The big iceberg is yet to be struck.. Then the ship WILL sink....
And the very best of luck to you. Merry Christmas.
And to you as well...