Posted 10 years ago on April 1, 2012, 6:25 a.m. EST by OccupyWallSt
A very special message from OccupyWallSt.Org: We have just received confirmation from highly-reputable sources that everyone´s favorite investment bank, Goldman Sachs, has entered into the race for the U.S. Presidency! We are proud to be the first site to break this story, and we hereby announce our support for this first-of-a-kind U.S. Presidential bid. We are passing along some useful campaign information to help our supporters get the word out. Goldman Sachs 2012!
"THE CAPITAL4CAPITOL CAMPAIGN"
WE DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY: WE ALREADY HAVE IT
Corporations are people and should be allowed to hold public office. Goldman Sachs has been functioning as the de facto Commander-in-Chief for years. HELP US MAKE IT OFFICIAL!
QUALIFICATIONS AND EXPERIENCE:
The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. is a leading global investment banking, securities, and investment management firm. "We provide a wide range of financial services to a substantial and diversified client base that includes corporations, financial institutions, governments, and high-net-worth individuals." Shorthand? All the big players in international politics already know and rely upon us as a part of our network.
Goldman Sachs - "a full-service global investment banking and securities firm" - has proven business acumen, international relations expertise, and knowledge of security. We will leverage our network to further the goals of humanity, through the prospects offered by corporate globalization and totally deregulated markets. We have a proven track record of success. Our friends in Europe already function as the de facto governments, and just look at the wonders they´ve done for Spain, Greece, and Ireland!
Here are just a few of our key strengths that will make us the greatest President in U.S. History.
STRONG BUSINESS BACKGROUND - WHILE OTHERS FAIL WE GUARANTEE SUCCESS:
Goldman Sachs generated $4 BILLION in profit from the sub-prime mortgage collapse thanks to two enterprising bankers, visionaries who bet the market would collapse. Anonymous sources even credit them with transactions that led to the collapse. (Later they paid a $550 million dollar fine for alleged misdeeds leading to the collapse : net profit $4Billion - fine $550Million = pure profit $3.45BILLION.)
Talk about making it work! We know how to make money, and let's be honest, what is more American than money?
FOREIGN POLICY EXPERIENCE - WHILE OTHERS PLAY IT SAFE: WE PLAY TO WIN!
Goldman Sachs' current focus is "growth markets" which are "the world's most dynamic and fast-growing economies" and those offering "the potential for significant growth in the coming decades", such as India and Brazil.
Translation? Since people in America no longer have enough money to make us richer (because we've already taken it all), people in the global economy still have access to money that can make this country once again GREAT. After all, that's how we made money the first time. WE CAN EXPORT OUR DEBT: PAVING OUR STREETS IN GOLD.
For more on our cutting-edge approach on international relations, follow our new Twitter campaigns: #brownpeoplewillonceagainmakeusrich and #colonialism2012!
UNWAVERING COMMITMENT TO SECURITY - WE'RE WEALTH EXTREMISTS:
Managing wealth is a risky endeavor particularly when much of it is made off of weapons sales. The answer? We need more guns and bombs than they have. Security is of the highest import. Generating wealth is not easy, managing it - harder, protecting it - invaluable! It's lonely on top and everyone else (Prudential, JP MORGAN, Saudi-owned CITIBANK) wants to be there.
To protect our profits, security is a must. That´s why Goldman Sachs is the world's top ranking SECURITIES FIRM!
(re)ELECT Goldman SACHS: it's the only way to get our country out of debt and achieve the American Dream. Restore Opportunity! Restore Prosperity! Restore Security!
GOLDMAN SACHS FOR PRESIDENT because we all know CAPITAL = CAPITOL. WE ALREADY HAVE YOUR MONEY - WE JUST NEED YOUR SUPPORT.